I know where I’ll be every Monday and Tuesday evening, and on Sunday mornings. And I know what I’ll be doing first thing every day. This is in stark contrast to a half dozen years ago. Then, the only thing you could count on from me was that I’d probably be alone in my apartment, though I probably wouldn’t answer the phone. I had no regular weekly commitments. Not a one. When I was invited to social events, I didn’t RSVP; I’d just show up or not — that way I could decide at the last minute. My decision was usually no. This change happened gradually, but it is the result of two large events — renewed sobriety and a radical deepening of my spiritual life — and one simple tool that I learned along the way: making commitments nonnegotiable.

Being unwaveringly faithful to commitments is seen today as quaint, almost anachronistic. Obedience and discipline are not very popular words. I want you to consider increasing the number of commitments in your life. Having nonnegotiable appointments gives life structure, gives you comfort, reduces anxiety, raises the esteem in which you’re held, and simply makes life easier to manage. It also guarantees you do some things that are good for you that might not otherwise get done.

Our society tells us we can have, and should want to have, whatever we want whenever we want it. We’re told that “The Man” — our boss, parents, religion, government — wants to limit us, and that the true American spirit, the true “modern” spirit, is “free.” We might nominally remain members of families, companies, communities and religions, but don’t tell us we have to do something we don’t agree with or we shed those obligations in a flash.

But that rugged-individualist freedom ... Continue reading What Works: Nonnegotiables]]> The freedom of commitment

I know where I’ll be every Monday and Tuesday evening, and on Sunday mornings. And I know what I’ll be doing first thing every day. This is in stark contrast to a half dozen years ago. Then, the only thing you could count on from me was that I’d probably be alone in my apartment, though I probably wouldn’t answer the phone. I had no regular weekly commitments. Not a one. When I was invited to social events, I didn’t RSVP; I’d just show up or not — that way I could decide at the last minute. My decision was usually no. This change happened gradually, but it is the result of two large events — renewed sobriety and a radical deepening of my spiritual life — and one simple tool that I learned along the way: making commitments nonnegotiable.

Being unwaveringly faithful to commitments is seen today as quaint, almost anachronistic. Obedience and discipline are not very popular words. I want you to consider increasing the number of commitments in your life. Having nonnegotiable appointments gives life structure, gives you comfort, reduces anxiety, raises the esteem in which you’re held, and simply makes life easier to manage. It also guarantees you do some things that are good for you that might not otherwise get done.

Our society tells us we can have, and should want to have, whatever we want whenever we want it. We’re told that “The Man” — our boss, parents, religion, government — wants to limit us, and that the true American spirit, the true “modern” spirit, is “free.” We might nominally remain members of families, companies, communities and religions, but don’t tell us we have to do something we don’t agree with or we shed those obligations in a flash.

But that rugged-individualist freedom is an illusion. It exists in denial of the fact that there are trade-offs when choices are made, that we can’t just do whatever we want whenever we want without consequences. We want no commitments and no consequences. But as Scott Peck says in The Road Less Travelled:

Balancing is a discipline precisely because the act of giving something up is painful.

We all struggle with commitments — going to the gym, our diet, meditating daily, staying sober. We did them all faithfully at first. Some we abandoned in weeks or months. Others we continue, but feel as if we’re fighting ourselves to do the right thing.

I’ve often said that in my recovery, I used to have one foot out the door in my head. I was there, but I wasn’t really a member of the club. I might have looked like I was fully committed, but on a deeper level I knew it was provisional for me. That’s why many well-meaning New Year’s resolutions fail. The commitment isn’t really that deep.

Making things nonnegotiable

Don’t audit life. I want to encourage you to make a few things nonnegotiable — things that take some willingness and effort and have benefits that aren’t instant. I’ll give you a few examples:

[Read the rest of What Works: Nonnegotiables at bustedhalo.com.]

Nancy’s whole career has been in pharmaceutical communications. After watching round after round of layoffs at her firm over the past two years, her ticket finally came up in February. She went from a high level, lucrative management position to unemployment overnight. Stories like this are playing out across the country by the thousands. Good skilled workers lose their jobs and find strong competition for lesser positions. Seemingly secure financial futures based on real estate and stock investments disappear overnight, leaving uncertainty and worry.

But listen to Nancy:

“Ironically, this may be one of the greatest gifts I have received in my life — not because unemployment is a gift but because this gave me a forced opportunity to evaluate where I am in my life and if I want to continue on this path. In fact, I had been increasingly stressed out by and unhappy with my job for some time.”

Is it just blowing self-help smoke to say this was a good thing? Is Nancy just some crazy exception? Not in my experience.

[Read the rest of What Works: Losing your footing and finding the ground at bustedhalo.com.]

I’d just lost my job. And I hadn’t seen it coming, so I didn’t have anything lined up. ”How are you OK with this? Why aren’t you freaking out?” asks my coworker, Matt. He’s seen me walk through setbacks and disappointments before. “Well, it’s lots of things, but daily prayer and meditation is a big part.” Matt responds a little too quickly: “Oh, I can’t meditate. I tried it. My mind won’t shut up.”

His rejection of the idea that meditation might be a tool he could use is the most common I hear. Matt thinks he can’t meditate.

My old friend Stacy is a cradle Catholic and she gets a lot out of yoga. She heard she should meditate, so she got a book and tried a local Buddhist sitting group a few times.

“I don’t have time to meditate,” she says. I counter, “But you find time for your yoga.” “That’s at a studio,” she says. “There are interruptions at home. And meditation’s boring anyway. I don’t get serenity out of it like I do with yoga.”

Stacy thinks meditation needs special surroundings; oh, and she wants instant results.

Matt and Stacy are missing the point.

The promise of meditation is not the 20 minutes of refuge from an otherwise insane day, wonderful as that may be. The promise is to gradually cultivate a way of living that is less insane.

I’ve noticed over and over: People struggling with anxiety over things they’re powerless to affect rarely have a daily prayer and meditation practice. The Rev. Cynthia Bourgeault, a leading figure in Christian meditation and wisdom teaching, describes the promise of a contemplative practice:

“It is not a matter of replacing negative emotions with positive emotions — ... Continue reading What Works: Meditation]]> It isn’t boring, it isn’t non-Christian and you do have the time for it

I’d just lost my job. And I hadn’t seen it coming, so I didn’t have anything lined up. ”How are you OK with this? Why aren’t you freaking out?” asks my coworker, Matt. He’s seen me walk through setbacks and disappointments before. “Well, it’s lots of things, but daily prayer and meditation is a big part.” Matt responds a little too quickly: “Oh, I can’t meditate. I tried it. My mind won’t shut up.”

His rejection of the idea that meditation might be a tool he could use is the most common I hear. Matt thinks he can’t meditate.

My old friend Stacy is a cradle Catholic and she gets a lot out of yoga. She heard she should meditate, so she got a book and tried a local Buddhist sitting group a few times.

“I don’t have time to meditate,” she says. I counter, “But you find time for your yoga.” “That’s at a studio,” she says. “There are interruptions at home. And meditation’s boring anyway. I don’t get serenity out of it like I do with yoga.”

Stacy thinks meditation needs special surroundings; oh, and she wants instant results.

Matt and Stacy are missing the point.

The promise of meditation

The promise of meditation is not the 20 minutes of refuge from an otherwise insane day, wonderful as that may be. The promise is to gradually cultivate a way of living that is less insane.

I’ve noticed over and over: People struggling with anxiety over things they’re powerless to affect rarely have a daily prayer and meditation practice. The Rev. Cynthia Bourgeault, a leading figure in Christian meditation and wisdom teaching, describes the promise of a contemplative practice:

“It is not a matter of replacing negative emotions with positive emotions — only of realizing that… presence can be sustained regardless of whatever inner or outer storms may assail you… You discover that at the depths, Being still holds firm.”

You may feel calm and restored after meditating. It’s wonderful when you do. But you may not. You may enter a place of profound stillness and awareness and feel conscious contact with God. But you may not.

We call meditation a practice. Think of your daily meditation as practice for life, practice for being in the moment, practice for letting go, practice for attuning to God.

I’ve been practicing Centering Prayer since Cynthia introduced me to it over 15 years ago. Gradually, I assure you, with daily practice we can develop the posture towards life described in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 — to “pray without ceasing.”

And when we do that, what the Buddhists call monkey-mind — the constant chatter in our heads — abates. And with that, we stop fighting so much, we start trusting more, and we can just be.

[Read the rest of What Works: Meditation at bustedhalo.com.]